As a single person, I’ve asked a lot of people about marriage. Over time, I became exceedingly frustrated at the comment I heard most often – and usually first out of their mouths:

“Marriage is a lot of work.”

I finally sat down and analyzed my response to this #1 comment. Why did I resent it so much? Why did it make me so angry? After all, I reasoned, everything I’ve read and heard about marriage does state clearly that a lot of work is involved. So why did I feel so negative toward this comment? Did I have my head in the clouds? Did I not want to admit that work was involved in making a marriage?

Then I realized what I was responding to. It wasn’t the concept of work – it was the way people said it: “Marriage is a lot of work,” said with a sigh, a droop of the shoulders, and a hint of long years of suffering. No mention of the rewards. The benefits. The joys.

It was rather as if they were talking about slaving away in the salt mines.

Now that, I thought, isn’t right!

I broached the subject with yet another married friend – one who has a great marriage that I really look up to. She listened, then replied thoughtfully, “I wouldn’t describe marriage as a lot of work. It simply requires constant energy and attention – just like anything of value in life.”

What a difference in perspective! Energy and attention. Not work. Not slaving away. Not long-suffering. Her attitude seemed to connect her, not with the salt mines, but with high-voltage electrical power lines: infusing her and her marriage with vibrancy and vitality. When she would speak of her marriage in casual conversation, her comments were invariably filled with the joys, fulfillment, and contentment that her marriage brought her and her spouse.

As I thought this over, I found an analogy that made sense to me. I love gardening, and my little yard is full to the brim with flowers from early spring well into fall. Do I consider my garden “work”? No, I don’t. Even though every day requires some combination of watering, weeding, dead-heading, checking for pests or disease, cleaning up, etc.

My garden simply requires my constant energy and attention. Otherwise, it will look a mess in no-time flat. I don’t give that energy and attention grudgingly: I love to give it, even when I may not be thrilled with a particular activity (like weeding). It’s all part of having a garden. Giving energy and attention increases my satisfaction; it doesn’t diminish it. With a regular flow of care, there is plenty of time to relax and enjoy the beauty of my yard.

But, you know, it would be easy to consider all the tasks of gardening “work,” and resent them or sigh with resignation about them. The tasks wouldn’t have changed … just my attitude toward them.

So here’s my question: what difference would it make if couples stopped looking at marriage as requiring “a lot of work,” and started thinking in terms of giving “energy and attention”? That simple positive shift in understanding, attitude, and perspective might free them from the salt mines and connect them with the power lines!

© 2010 Paula Marolewski, www.SinkYourRoots.com

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